September 8, 2011
I journal on my Facebook that I’m having a hard time dealing with the fact that there is such a large gap between Noah and the next child. At this time, I’m not pregnant and am starting to wonder if God has another child in store for me. “If I believe God can open wombs and make barren women conceive, can I also believe that God can close wombs and keep a child from being conceived.” I know I believe it, but it’s a hard, painful thing for me to hold onto the idea that Noah could be my last child; that I have to leave it in God’s hands and trust Him if he says 4 is enough for me.
February 7, 2012
I announce that we are expecting our 5th child on Facebook. The post is simple and goes unnoticed by many of our friends, still it holds deep significance to me. The post reads, “1 Samuel 1:27”. It was the verse that had been spoken to me in my quiet time just days earlier and had been ringing in my heart until I got the positive pregnancy test result. The verse reads: “I prayed for this child, and the LORD has granted me what I asked of him.”
February-May
I have some of the worst morning sickness I’ve ever had with any pregnancy. It’s so bad I’ve taken to tying a bandana around my face with a folded up paper towel full of cinnamon just so that any random smell doesn’t set me off. I’m drinking tons of water to stay hydrated and throwing up a lot. We are in the middle of a move and packing is hard because literally every smell throws me off. I have the biggest aversion to tomato-y stuff right now...spaghetti, lasagna, pizza, ketchup… I also can’t brush my teeth with any but one kind of toothpaste.
May 2, 2012
I journal about what I feel is a better answer to the question “How can a good God do this?” I write my deep convictions that Job 19:25 and Job 1:21 answer the question best saying essentially “The Lord is GOD and he will redeem his fallen and broken creation and who are we to argue with him?”
May 9, 2012
It’s a girl!
May 22, 2012
I journal-- “If something happened to one of my four already born children to put them into a helpless state where I had to feed them, bathe them, clothe them, etc for the rest of their lives and they were only going to live 1/8th the kind of life they lived before and be 1/8th as fulfilled/happy as before, I'd still buck up and do it. It's my job to take care of my children for as long as I have them and their state of being doesn't dictate the terms of my service.
So, why then, would it ever be okay for me to consider abortion if this unborn baby had some issue like Down Syndrom where I would have to provide extra care beyond the normal stages in life and where people argue they lead less fulfilling lives or whatever? This child is no less my "burden" than the four that are born to me. It would be illegal for me to "deal with" one of them in the manner I could "deal with" my unborn child if something happened to them.”
...I had no idea what was coming…
Middle May
I see printed in several places, the words from this familiar hymn “When all around my soul gives way, he then is all my hope and stay.” I don’t know at the time how important it is going to be to me, but it’s constantly ringing in the back of my mind as each new viewing brings the song back to memory.
May 23, 2012
I got a call from my doctor telling me that the results of my blood tests. Instead of having a 1 in 3000 chance of having Trisomy 18, our baby now has a 1 in 100 chance. (Trisomy 18 is a chromosomal defect with about a 50% mortality rate for babies before birth and few who are born will survive one year because of major defects to the heart, lungs, brain, and other organs.) We don’t know what we will face over the next months, but we know that we will love and cherish this child for as long as God has given her to us to love and cherish. We know that God gave us this child...and has a plan for her and has numbered her days. I’m on a see-saw of emotion at times crying, “You are God, I trust you!” and at times clinging and praying, “You are all my hope and stay.”
--During this time, we start thinking of names for our baby and around this time, we have one picked, but we don’t announce it until later.--
May 29, 2012
Overwhelmed with peace, I journal my deep desire to tell the world how I feel. I know that things may not turn out the way *--I--* want, but I know that God is GOD and I know that He is God-enough to carry me through whatever he has planned. By this point, we have picked half of our baby’s name. Joelle. The name means, “The Lord is God” and “The Lord is Willing.” We know that God is in control and that even if we are to walk through a valley, we will not walk it alone. God is willing to be our hope and stay. God is willing to be our comfort and our shelter and God is willing to be God-enough for all our fears and sorrows.
May 31, 2012
I’d been praying for a definitive ultrasound. I wanted either a “yes, she has Trisomy 18” or a “No, she does not.” I was afraid of a “We aren’t sure. We’ll need more tests.” I prayed not for a healthy child, though I wanted one more than I could ever voice. I prayed for peace, comfort, and acceptance of the outcome and I prayed for a definitive outcome. We went to the ultrasound with this prayer and we returned with a definite, “No, she does not have Trisomy 18” answer and the words, “The Lord is Willing” resounding in our hearts. The Lord was willing to give us a whole, healthy child this time. The Lord was willing to only write in our lives, the story of sorrow for a short time.
July 9, 2012 We announce our daughter’s name. Jubilee Joelle. We were rejoicing when we thought there was a chance we could not keep her because we knew God was willing to be GOD and to take care of us. Now we were rejoicing that God was willing to give her to us whole and healthy. “We are rejoicing because the Lord is God and the Lord is willing to be everything we need.” She’s our little Jubilee Joelle. Our Joy. Our rejoicing.
Early August
We accidentally pay our insurance to the wrong place. The payment is accepted and we don’t notice yet that anything as gone wrong.
August 7, 2012
I find out I have Gestational Diabetes this pregnancy for the first time ever. This has officially become the longest, hardest pregnancy I’ve ever had...and it’s not over yet.
Early August
Our insurance payment is returned to us. We wonder what is going on. Brandon calls them and the insurance people tell us our insurance has been turned off because we missed a payment. We don’t realize yet that this is because our insurance payment went to the wrong place. Brandon is working with them, trying to figure out why our insurance company dropped us for a missed payment when he can see that they accepted the payment in question and then returned it.
August 17, 2012
My sugars have been totally 100% controlled (no matter what I do, really...I’m starting to wonder if I even have GD…) but my Ketones wouldn’t come down so they added a 3 a.m. snack. Adding this snack screwed up my fasting blood sugars because I was no longer “fasting” so the Diabetes doctor put me on insulin. I’m NOT excited and am soooooo done with the pregnancy. “Can it PLEASE be Jubilee’s birthday yet?”
Early September
My biggest fears and prayers at this point involve the impending Labor and Delivery. I’m afraid Brandon won’t be home and will be several hours away. I’m afraid I’ll go into labor and be so fast that I’ll have a baby in the car on the side of the highway between our home and our hospital. I’m afraid we won’t have a babysitter for the kids.
Mid September
My insulin runs out. My blood sugar numbers become even more awesome than ever before when I stop taking it. I mention it to my doctor and he says, “Don’t worry about it. We’re not worried about GD with you.” (Oh, so only my Diabetes doctor is worried about me?) We’re wondering how we are going to pay for the impending expenses of Labor and Delivery but God’s done so much for us in our lives that we (Brandon, this time, more than me) are not that worried. Something’s going to work out for us.
September 15, 2012
Our insurance is fixed. God worked everything out so that we are covered and so that even the expenses we incurred during the time without insurance were covered.
September 17, 2012
At a routine doctor’s appointment, we find out that Jubilee is frank-breech. The doctor wants to try to turn her by manipulating my stomach externally, but if he can’t turn her, we’ll have to do a c-section because this hospital does not do breech births. We begin praying that God will work through the doctor to flip the baby but if he doesn’t that he’ll give us a complication-free c-section if that’s his plan.
September 19, 2012
The doctor manages to turn Jubilee. The process takes about 1-2 minutes and is smooth and complication free. Jubilee responds well to the procedure and there are no worries. We are praying that she will remain head down until birth. Because of my prior history of going into labor 9 days early, everyone (including my doctor) is thinking this baby could come as early as September 26th.
September 24, 2012
Jubilee is still head down. The doctor is pretty sure she can’t turn around now and isn’t too worried about her flipping. We are now just waiting for her to come.
October 1, 2012
My mother-in-law gets to come stay with us for a surprise visit. Now I don’t have to worry about not having a babysitter for the kids. Now, if worst comes to worst, she can drive me to the doctor if Brandon is otherwise unable to do it.
October 3, 2012
My doctor offers to induce me. I say “Yes, I think I’d like that.” I can’t explain the relief I feel at the thought of an induction. I’ve been having nightmares every night for the last week or so about having a baby on the side of the highway. An induction means I might have a better chance of having her in the hospital. Frankly, I’m just done. I’m glad for the thought of having her in my arms soon. The induction is set for October 5th. Her due date. Some small part of me thinks, “There is something more that will go wrong; something more that will happen that will make her stay in there longer. After all, I have a friend who went in for an induction and STILL had her baby 5 days later. That could be me.”
October 4, 2012
That “something more” happens. My hospital is swamped with babies being born. My induction is bumped to the 8th.
October 5, 2012
Jubilee’s due date passes. Brandon has already taken off of work because we thought we’d be having an induction on this day. This means he gets to be home from now until the time when Jubilee comes. Even if I go into labor at this point on my own, he’ll be here with me. That’s one more worry off my chest.
October 8, 2012
We head to the hospital early in the morning for our induction. I breathe a sigh of relief as we pull into the hospital parking lot. From this point on, there is no chance that I’m having this baby on the side of the highway.
(You can’t fully appreciate how much relief I felt at this until you understand that with Noah, I was feeling the urge to push on the drive to the hospital. Noah was born after being at the hospital between 20 and 30 minutes and I was only in labor with him for 2.5 hours.)
*But Jubilee’s story has one last hard thing for us to go through before we get to meet her.*
Instead of presenting crown first like most babies, Jubilee is presenting face first. This means that if she was not my 5th baby, she’d be a c-section. This means that my doctor is working especially hard to make sure everything goes smoothly for this birth. This means, the poor thing is taking the brunt of birth on her face not on the top of her head and should come out very bruised and purple through the face.
6:11 pm
(Because I go so fast, the doctor ended up not breaking my water right away because he would be in surgery. After breaking my water, it was only about 1 hour and 40 minutes until Jubilee was born.)
Our daughter arrives. There is not as much bruising as we were told to expect. She’s beautiful! Perfect! And more importantly, she’s HERE; in our arms. We are so glad!
October 24, 2012
Jubilee gets a card in the mail from someone who doesn’t know the story. It has “her” verse printed on the front. 1 Samuel 1:27. Printed inside are these very relevant words: “Sharing the joy of answered prayers, hopes granted, and dreams come true.”
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